Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My life in pictures

So I wanted to do a little art project and I knew just the picture I wanted to use. Problem is I have all of my pictures mixed up in photo boxes. I have pictures of my Mom when she was a little girl mixed in with pictures of me and my brothers when we were little mixed in with pictures of my kids. No rhyme or reason. So I'm flipping through them fast to find this one picture. I went through 2 boxes and had to stop because it was like seeing my life flash in front of me. Bombarded with memories, some great, some not so great. Pictures of my Mother who has been gone for 10 years brought tears just as did pictures of my brother, gone for 5 years. Then seeing pictures of my children as babies and remembering the smells, the feel of their little bodies in my arms. My kids are now 11, 18 and 20, well past the cuddling stage. I remember precious moments with my husband... I remember the ugly green ashtray my Mom used to use in our old house on Statton road. I remember Christmas mornings opening gifts in front of our Christmas tree in the same house. I see myself in pictures as a teenager, so thin and so worried about being fat. I was beautiful, but never, ever thought I was. So much wasted time thinking about how thin I needed to be and if I would ever find someone to love me. Such self loathing and all for nothing. Pictures of my parents before "the divorce" when they were miserable with each other. Pictures of my grandparents looking young and vibrant, bouncing my Mother and my uncles on their knees. Stiff Christmas smiles with the grandparents and sleepy Mommy and Daddy Christmas smiles with that first cup of Christmas coffee. Vacations with special friends. My brothers first ... and second weddings. My daughter during her "blonde" phase in which she dyed her long black hair a stark white. My third daughter, as an infant, sucking her thumb... all of us thankful she finally found it. Thanksgiving turkeys, Easter egg hunting, birthday cakes with candles, gifts being opened, flashing in front of me. At the age of 46 I feel I have lived a very, very long time and yet, it's all represented in 4 or 5 boxes. how can that be? Totally overwhelmed with the fullness of my life represented in those pictures as well as the losses we have suffered and the future calling... I am off to bed...

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